Today’s reading-of-between-the-lines service 1
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything with much depth beyond project updates and proclamations of my undying love for Jack Bauer. Well, you’re still going to have to wait. What I’ve got in store today is my humble offering to you—free of charge—none other than my signature reading-of-between-the-lines service (previously only offered during television viewing!).
For those of you who give a shit about me at all, you know I was barfing my guts out last week from some stupid virus I got from my pig roommate. Actually, a real pig would be a super cute pet—a much cuter pet than my roommate. So right about the time I was laying in the bathroom floor asking, why… why… why me?… I was really bored and simply didn’t feel bad enough for myself that I picked up a nearby Cosmo magazine.
Nothing like glossy perfume smelling carcinogenic papers full perfect-looking skinny chicks to accompany excessive vomiting.
Anyway, I couldn’t help that the article titled “40 Girlie Moves That Make Guys Melt” (p117 3/06 Cosmopolitan) and its list of stuff…
I DO NOT OBJECT to any of these direct orders—er, “lessons” per se; I only mind that it’s meant to be exclusively for females or that it’s not for her sake too. And it’s just so manipulative and presented in a guise of cutesy femininity while crafted for subservience.
And I’m guilty of abiding by most of them. I’m such a tool. Nevertheless, stripped of the fat, I give you my line by line summary of this academic article on our sophisticated, complex, and exemplary mating behaviors.
1). Buy lip gloss
2). Carry around lots of products
3). Clean up your man’s place
4). Check up on your man
5). Buy lotion or don’t let your hands get manly calloused (aka don’t have manual skills)
6). Be afraid of mice or let your man protect you
7). Buy expensive shampoo
8). Buy expensive 500 thread count sheets
9). It’s okay to dress down SOMEtimes but don’t let other people see
10). Girls are crafty and thoughtful, boys aren’t
11). Melt when you’re around kids
12). Wear his clothes
13). Keep female rituals
14). Trust your man
15). Buy scented candles
16). Pout and be cute
17). Wear high heels even if they hurt or it’s okay for your girlfriend to hurt because it’s hot
18). Buy food for your man
19). Get emotional in front of your man or men don’t show enough emotion
20). Dress your man for work or be attentive to your man
21). Pull your hair back when giving head
22). Boys aren’t allowed to like sappy movies
23).Go jean shopping for cheap peeks, not to spend time together or anything
24). It’s ok to put your man out in a time of need as long as you’re being hot
25). What matters to you is silly but at least cute
26). Be self-conscience about your outfits
27). Only use pet names in private
28). Girls: Don’t know your cars, Do know your designers
29). Boys aren’t allowed to admit they like Mariah Carrey (is anyone?)
30). Your man protects you when you sleep
31). Bake cookies for your man
32). Girls worry about their outfits, boys don’t
33). Remember what your man says he likes so you can get it for his birthday
34). Prance
35). Value your man’s opinion of how you look
36). Share your food with your man
37). Buy your man shoes
38). Take your man’s temperature
39). Don’t wear cotton panties when getting with your man, only lacy ones
40). Boys LOVE Cosmo quizzes!
I found this to be just as sexist towards men. I think Maxim is condescending in the same way. They carve out these extreme cookie cutter shapes for gender roles and write a dictate for social maintenance. It’s like, girls can’t be tom boys without social repercussions and boys can’t be thoughtful and emotional.
What’s scary is that I don’t know these people and the circulation is almost 3 million. How am I missing them??
April 7th, 2006 at 3:39 p
You read Cosmo?
April 10th, 2006 at 4:55 p
Only before or after I vomit.